An MBA’s Mother Tongue Part-4

Exhibit No.2:

The author of this post (“me” in English) has used jargon to justify the ancient Japanese kimono as the perfect example of New Product Development. So convincing was the presentation that the professor confessed that the nearly extinct Japanese garment is a beacon of cutting-edge technological innovation. In English, this might be called making a fool out of someone. However, it is truly considered as a matter of perspective.

It has been said that it is such use of jargon that makes the world of business so incomprehensible. However, the world of business is so complex that no one really understands it anyway. Hence, one must has to learn this langue culturel so as to appear to be knowledgeable. The appearance of being efficient, intelligent, truly gifted et cetera are far more important than actually being all of these.

In passing, one must also mention that jargon is not used merely to demystify the complex world of business. It is also used to argue about anything, mask one’s disgust, profess one’s love and even contemplate spirituality!

Here’s an actual example. Readers can attempt to translate it into English.

Exhibit No.3: Religion:

Student 1: What bhaiyya, (a term borrowed by the particular speaker from Hindi) what do you think of Buddhism? I mean, it became like Hinduism in the 5^th Century. Would you consider that as a merger? I think it was a successful acquisition. Lack of involvement on the part of the upper management, no leadership. What do you think?

Student 2: Oho, sirjee! Such ultimate philosophy!(Such terms of respect translate as: “you dumb a**” in English)

Such and other exhibits abound. But this is an blog post; not a dissertation. And as SIBM MBAs, we know how much jargon to use in an article and how much to cram into a dissertation. Hence, I would presently restrict the scope of my discussion.

However, interested individuals can read further samples of this unique jargon dialect in my other published work: “The Optimisation of Forecasting Process for a Computer Manufacturer – a Summer Training Report” and my forthcoming “Six Sigma Dissertation”.

Other excellent examples of SIBM jargon include all the examination papers with A or A+ grades.

An MBA’s Mother Tongue-Part-3

This jargon gets so ingrained in the inmates of the Symbiosis Knowledge Village that those mundane conversations that otherwise would happen in such uncivilised languages as English or Hindi take place in jargon.

Exhibit No.:1

Prof.: I don’t understand this. Why do you all of avoid sitting in the front rows at the centre of the class?

Student: Sir, it reflects the natural tendency of any distribution to spread about the mean without having any sample at the exact mean position. It also reflects the human tendency to avoid the path of direct attack.

Translation in English: Sir, you stand in front of the centre column. No one wants to be sitting ducks in front of you. We all need to sleep, play games or chat on gtalk.

This example exhibits how jargon can be used to save one’s skin when faced with an impossible situation. Another example of the same is when a student is ill prepared for a presentation. Usually, it is never ONE single student. All SIBM MBAs undertake such dangerous tasks as presentations, assignments (and sometimes semester exams) in herds of the largest denomination. A herd size of ten is most appropriate. Since, the herd always lacks an alpha male (or female); all individuals of the herd tend to appear unprepared for the presentation. The sole exception, we are told, are the herds from the Finance clan. There are rumours that they prepare themselves rather well especially for tasks given by a certain demi-god worshipped unequivocally by the entire Finance tribe of SIBM. However, there is no conclusive evidence that they have ever achieved much success in pleasing the said deity.

The classic case known to this author is the Operations clan. All members of the clan are exceptionally proficient at jargon, rivalled only perhaps by the Marketing and a few members of the HR tribes. Consequently, the operations tribesmen (yes, tribesmen, they have no tribeswomen) rarely prepare en avance for any presentation. However, their skill at jargon more than compensates for the near-absolute absence of subject matter.

An MBA’s Mother Tongue-Part-2

The proficiency of the SIBM MBAs at jargon has often been claimed to have surpassed many others. Their exceptional skill has been falsely attributed to lack of understanding of most other skills of an MBA. However, such slanderous remarks are discounted by the size of the population that speaks SIBM-jargon and their success.

In fact, it is the fourth most widely spoken dialect of jargon amongst the MBA tribe of India.

Barely one week into their training, the SIBM students speak jargon better than their mother tongue. Their exceptional skill is not only due to the Desslers and Kotlers that they claim to read. The real credit goes to the exceptional mentoring they get from the faculty of international repute.

However, there are certain individuals in the teaching pantheon that regularly commit the blasphemy of speaking against the use of jargon. The foremost amongst these is a certain professor of statistics whose exceptional reputation as a genius is tarnished by his tirade against jargon. He calls it bandalbazi!! Such outrage! He says business decisions are taken based on facts. Yeah right!

The irony is that he has a demi-god status for one of most prolific speakers of jargon - the Operations clan.

At the fag end of two years, this author can boast few accomplishments worth any note, but that as a student of the august establishment (meaning SIBM, never mind if he called it “august”; that is for political correctness), he has a reasonable fluency at SIBM-jargon

An MBA’s Mother Tongue- Part 1

When any person becomes a student of his discipline, he must first learn at least the rudiments of the language of the subject.

(With apologies to the feminising trends in the English language, hereinafter each “his” implies “his/her” and each “he” implies “s/he” purely for the sake of convenience. The author has no salacious motives & whatever they are, we do not subscribe by them- Editors)

You know how aspirant doctors are first taught to write in the unintelligible hieroglyphs of the super-intelligent? Exactly the case in point! Students studying evolution of languages, I am told, spend months learning how to click their tongues in Africa, make weird (elsewhere considered rude) hand gestures in Italy and to argue non-stop in India before they can claim their degree.

However, no other student masters the language of his vocation faster than an MBA student. The lingua franca of this sub-specie is called jargon. This language is rich and varied in its dialects- the dialect varying with nationality and college. However, the basic grammar and rules thereof remain same across all spoken dialects. The language is also united across various colleges by definitive works of such authors as Chase, Jacob & Aquilano (Operations clan) and Damodaran (Finance clan). But the foremost scholars who write in jargon are Ulrich (HR clan) and Kotler (Marketing clan).

The primary objective of each dialect is also essentially the same- to make the subject arduous enough for comprehension so that a professional or individual of any sub-specie other than the MBA my not glean even an iota information.

Numerous authors have written extensively about jargon. However, this post focuses on one of the most popular dialect: the SIBM-jargon. The primary speakers of this language are the SIBM MBA students- my esteemed collegues.

Language of an MBA

The language of an MBA is far different from the normal English. It is supposed to make the speaker seem more intelligent than s/he actually is.

The two following posts touch upon this mysterious language.

CAUTION:

• Proceed with caution, the author assumes no responsibility for any psychological trauma caused by reading the following article. The author is currently suffering from MBA Student syndrome and consequently writes exclusively in jargon. The following article is an example of the same.

• "Jargon" is herein considered in its meaning as the independent language of the MBA sub-specie and is not to be confused with the narrow understanding of the term.

• The views expressed (if at all) are the personal views of the author. Non-MBAs are strongly advised NOT to continue as reading may cause temporary numbness of mental faculties. MBAs may continue- their neurons are numb as it is.